Hypocrites

I hate I hate I hate Hypocrites.

If you are someone who forever has a bad attitude - do and behave like chibai and lanjiao, it’s not so bad. I mean, if you’re a bad cookie, then what to do, right? In fact, some kind and caring souls would even sympathise with you, like … they’ll analyse your jeans, ancestry, psycho background, whatever la and then try to understand why you are so-lidat.

BUT…

If you are the type who go around preaching Good Attitude, Teamwork, Cooperation and generally How-to-be-the-Best-Citizen-in-the-whole-universe and then do and behave entirely the opposite way, then you are a bloody H.Y.P.O.C.R.I.T.E

You know, those types who act holier-than-thou but actually are the biggest bitches and bastards around.

Lemme cerita you about the Queen Hypocrite that I know around here. Senior management summo…. kononnya la. Actually she knows shit about her jobscope or responsibilities la… but then, that’s another cerita, ok. Let’s not lose focus here.

She goes around telling people to behave, should have self-initiative, be proactive blah blah blah - u get the picture? Then, this is HOW SHE BEHAVES:

• Comes to work at any time she pleases
• Usually goes home early, before the official go-home time lah
• In between, disappear to snake temple ever so often
• Orders the office cleaners to wash her used crockery and make her drinks every day - standing instructions. Not even the president or CEO of the company does this, ok. We all wash our own cups and make our own drinks… except her.
• Demands special food for herself in any meeting/event - sometimes even those events that she’s not involved in… chibai or not?
• Treats her staff like slaves - must do personal errands for her eg take her shoes for repair, bring newspapers to her, buy her fave lunch from donno-where…mafullat
• Does not bother to be punctual at meetings (unless her boss is present in those meetings) and never bother to apologise for her tardiness - generally treating everybody else as inferior to her… tiu
• Blares her own trumpet for any small thing that she does - yeah, she only can do the small stupid things lah. Anything beyond simple typing of her emails (and that also full of mistakes), she asks her staff to do.

TNS KNN… the list can go on till timbuktoo & cum back… but I’m sure u generally get the idea now.

Does it surprise you that I tell u now that she’s the HR Manager?

What H.R?? Hoe-kau-lun Revolting - that suits her to a "T"!

Unadulterated pleasure

It was pure unadulterated satisfying pleasure - better than orgasm - when I called and told the Chibaibank that I wanna cancel my credit card with them.

This was how the conversation went:

Ms Chibai: Good afternoon, what can I do for you?

Me: I wanna cancel my credit card account

Ms Chibai: Oh I am so sorry to hear that. May I know why you wanna cancel?

Me: Becoz it’s a useless card and I don’t like Chibaibank *that was me at my politest oredi*

Ms Chibai: Ohhh…. *Terus silent for many seconds.*

Then after a very long pause….

Ms Chibai: OK, I will update the system and it will show in the final statement to you. Tenkiu, bai! *quickly hung up*

Short and sweet conversation - this must be the only call dealing with them that I found not so irritating - after all this time!

Wahlan… luckily she hung up or else…. I would gladly have told her more reasons why her chibaibank is soooo farking useless.

OK… that’s one chapter of my life closed. Good riddance to rubbish bank.

Can die one

I think I died a thousand times this morning just trying to run some errands online. Niamah... I spent almost the entire morning trying to pay some bills thru online banking... farking line damn slow like shit.... 1 miserable transaction can take 20 min - u say die or not??

While waiting for the transactions to process... I have finished reading donno-how-many blogs, replied several emails, checked & updated my FB and tried redeeming items from a bank's rewards site. I said "tried" because until now the thing still cannot be done - what's with all these stupid banks launching their stylo-milo websites which DON'T farking work??!! Forget about all the canggih interactive features when you can't even get to the screen to choose the reward item you want!! Damn... you just get distracted & stuck at some stupid page and that's why I'm cursing and swearing now. ChibaiBank - most screwed-up site you ever come across.

I think I will just have to give up soon... but what about those freaking reward points that I need to redeem??! I need to redeem them becoz I need to close cancel terminate my account becoz I absolutely cannot stand them anymore! See... wanna cancel account also so much headache - farkkkkkk!

You people out there - don't you ever ever sign up with this screwed-up bank - you will regret it for the rest of your life!

Farking - Olympics-style

Everybody is so caught up with the Olympics since it started on 08-08-08. Even me lah. Eh, even if I tulan about a lot of things, I still watch Olympics also, you know. But I’m very selective about what to watch. Mahai… got so many O-channels on Astro, you think I have 24 eyes, can watch everything meh?! So I choose only the nice-nice ones to watch - those that show nice-nice bodies like Springboard Diving, Swimming, Gymnastics, Athletics, Basketball and of course Badminton lah (oni becos Malaysia had a teeny weeny bit of chance there, until the bugger kena bashed teruk-teruk by the cocky Lindai.

You will never catch me watching those ugly fat stunted farts in Weightlifting and the stupid Equestrians - those riders think they look so smart in their uppity costumes - wait until their horses fatt-lan-char and throw them off lah. Anyway, I can never get Equestrians lah… dunno how they score the farking points also… bahh, don’t waste my time.

Anyway, what I wanna tok about here is not so much about the games and events in Olympics lah. I wanna hilite here what I read in the papers the other day - about SEX in the Olympics! Yes, SEX… it happens there, but not as an event lah (eh, you no need to ask me which channel lah, ok!). In the Games Villages there where you have thousands and thousands superfit superhot bodies, hormones raging, fuelled by the intense competition and the just plain-grandeur of the Olympics, it is NO wonder that sex happens there 24/7 - or whenever they are free from their events lah.

And guess what - the organizers and everyone involved there know about this - and that’s why they have made available thousands of dozens of FREE CONDOMS there in the Games Villages. They oredi know one - sure everyone will fark everyone there (how can you don’t do Olympic-farking, rite or not??) - they just doing a kind service by giving them FOC condoms for safe sex. See, condom suppliers oso make big money during Olympics.

Imagine hohh - there are these countless condom dispensers there with the message: "Nahh - take this and go fark your brains out lah!"

Choe kau sei yan

One of the main reasons we moved from our previous place was to escape that noisy rowdy neighbourhood. You know lah… typical Malaysian houses, built so close to each other that you can hear your neighbour’s humping on a moonless night.

So, the perceived quieter neighbourhood that I now live in is … well … perceived only lah. Yes, it would be a nice quiet place IF only we had not been so unfortunate as to live next to a family which has 4 bawdy kids, a maid-who-seems-to-be-hard-of-hearing, a pair of adults who think nothing of yelling at their kids and maid and this is not counting the hordes of family or friends who seem to barrage their way here almost every other weekend. Nice scenario or not? Tiu or not?

Like the past few days I was unfortunate enough to be sick and therefore had to stay at home. Aiyorrr… the constant wailing, yelling, screaming were enough to make my headache and coughing 10x worse. You see, the thing is like this - all the other houses don’t have brats & idiots like this does… so the place is pretty quiet, comparatively... and that magnifies the din that these hamkalings make. I think I would be sicker if I had to stay at home and listen to them - choe kau sei yan.

On a Sunday morning most people would like to sleep in, right or not? Imagine this lah… at 8am you are jolted out from your nice dreams by some banshee wailing. You look out your window and you see this bunch of idiots yelping and flapping about in their plastic inflatable pool in the porch. OK… so you thought their swimming session will last probably an hour? Or at most, 2 hours, eh sai boh? But noooo… these larn tharns are still soaking through their t-shirts in their Olympic pool even by 12 noon. 4 farking hours, still not enough!! Kan na sai - surely by this time their lanjiaos and chibais would have shriveled up or even dropped off, kan?? They finally kam-yuen drain their plastic pool at 1.30pm - coz by then their farking tummies are crying out for food already lah. And by then, yours truly here is already screaming for mercy. Mahai.

It’s so true what Xara said - you can take the tai-lun-ngongs out of their kampong but you can’t take the kampong out of the tai-lun-ngongs. I just wish the tai-lun-ngongs had stayed put in their miserable kampong lah… tiu.

Niamah... whole street is damn quiet except for these hamkalings.

Tokking about tiudalan

I think I am very fragrant today.

Firstly, first thing this morning I had to douse myself in minyak angin cap kapak becoz whole night I couldn’t sleep well due to an upset tummy. I think it must be the farking D24 the other night. I felt as if there’s this big fat worm inside wriggling and tumbling becos this blob of discomfort kept shifting in the vast blubber which is my stomach.

Anyway, in trying to mask the stench of minyak angin, I sprayed on a torrent of my Calvin Klein perfume, for good measure mahh. So can you imagine - minyak angin + calvin klein = whattt??

As if that’s not enough, I had to stop by the mamak shop to get breakkie for a whole bunch of people. And you know how stinky a mamak shop is?? All the masala curry powder spices what-have-you molecules floating in the shop somehow have a great affinity to your clothes, hair and body. While waiting for those tortoise people to pack my nasi lemak and roti canai, all these fragrances were showered on me. So, add those to the equation and now try to imagine how blardy heong I am now. Worse than any skunk, chowtaufu or last week’s puke. Niabeh!

Tokking about smelly people, I dunno about you but I truly madly beh tahan those people with BO lah. I know sometimes it’s not their fault, kan - I mean they can’t choose the jeans genes they were born with and if their great grandfathers all stink to high heaven, it’s not their fault, kan? But… celaka… they can do something to take away the smell mahh, right anot? Fark… there’re so many tiudalan in the market - cannot buy some and put on their stinking armpits meh? The thing is, these people with longkang smells in their pores, most of them cannot face reality, they don’t wanna “meen toei yeen sutt” - like my cantonis frens always say to me.

You know why I say that? I tell you, and this is from my real real experience. There used to be this langlui in my office - face like Sammi Cheng… but, fuiyohhh… she stink like … like … a skunk corpse carcass (skunk oredi smelly, right - so imagine how its dead body will smell like lah). So, one day, being the kind-hearted-with-good-intention swahkoo that I am, I actually told her, in a very diplomasi way, that she seriously needed to get some tiudalan for her “problem”. You know what she said to me? “Ya, I know I smell a bit if I sweat lah… a bit only mahh… but then hohh… my loekoong told me cannot use tiudalan lah… becoz it can cause skin cancer mahh… u donnow ah?”

In case u think she’s some poor uneducated Ah Lian from Kampung Moeloe, you are wrong! She’s a Masters graduate in some Sciencecrap - but still can say something lidat - so how?

Farking parking

Now that we have got the courtesies outta way, first first I wanna tell u about my farking neighbour and their farking frens/families, becos horr if I dun get this off my ample bosom, I sure becum chikaulansin one.

U know we all Malaysians normally live in terrace houses, right anot? Unless u r like Bill Gates’ far-off saudara, then u can afford to live in posh places, in big bangarows la… like chue yeong lau, yeong farn kow… those types la.

So, ok… tokkin about link houses, we kiasu Malaysians always regard the space in front of our house as our goddam-private farking parking space, betul? Even tho by right that is belong to the gomen la…I mean, it’s supposed to be pubic space mahh, haimaei? But, dun care la… as long as we live in that house, that space in front is ours mahh, korek?

So u see, I always fark my laupok-kak car there and everyblardy oso do the same in front of their rumah. And if u have more than one laupok-kak, u can oso fark in front of the many empty/unoccupied houses along the road lor. No worries, no man’s land is everyblardy’s land, ngam moe?

Anyway, the other night when I went home, there was this old junk parked right in my space. Look, if the whole street is all fully-farked, then I dun mind if u borrow my space la… but no, got so much space opposite and next to it, the farker dowan to park, peen-peen park in front of my house. U say la - tiuuu or not? Wokay, I decided to be veli magnanimous (korek word or not?) and told meself if the farker fark a short while then nebermain-la. But, no wor… the farker farked there the whole blardy night! Niamah-pantydrop.

And sure enough, the idiot was the farking neighbour’s visitor laa. Tiu kau hoei. If wanna scratch kau tat car oso waste my strength la coz tat junk's 100x worse/older than my laupok-kak.

I mean, kummon la… if my frens/saudara cum visit me, I sure will tell them dun fark lidat one - got so much space elsewhere wat, dun simply fark in your neighbour place la, right? Summoh u know your neighbour hari-hari oso fark her laupok-kak there mahh...yau moe kau chor? But then maybe I no nid to tell lidat to my frens/saudara oso becoz all my frens/saudara are veli singmook one - they surely won’t do such hina things, right? Oni the kurang-ajar marderfarkers do things like dis la. And then horr… burung of the same bulu fark togeder, right?

So, no wonder la…chikaulansin moe?

Welcum Welcum!

Welcum everyblardy! Every tom, dick, mary, chibay and their dogs are welcum.

Since this is my inaugural (wahh...what a big word wor) post, I would just like to take a moment to tell you the birthing process of this brog blog.

This morning I was sitting on my ceramic throne in the nice jamban....plop plop plop went my end-result-of-last-nite's-D24.... and i was thinking there're so many things i wanna rant and rave about and i need an outlet for those before they explode inside my ample bosom.

So, you ask "but why start a chikaulansin blog?" Ohh... for those who don't speak cantonese, lemme explain wtf is "chikaulansin"... actually it's supposed to be just "chi sin" (meaning crazy, gila lah)... but then hor, if i name my blog just "chi sin", it's so un-glam, kan? So, add in the "kau" and the "lan" (which by the way mean the same thing, referring to the male genitals lah)...wahh, suddenly it sounds so much better. But then hor... i need to give credit where credit is due... and the idea of this name actually came from my brogger-buddy, Hiongkongkiok, becoz we alwayz bitch about chikaulansin things...both in pubic and in private.

Soooo...that's how chikaulansin came about... it came out plop plop togeder wit my D24-remnants... and in da spirit of chikaulansin, everything and anything goes here, wokay! Lemme warn you all first, if you are those blardy hypocrites who cringe and cry at the mere mention of cororful language, then please stay away becoz i may be chikaulansin but i certainly do not wanna be responsible for anyone who pengsan, get heat rush or cardiac arrest ... or worse, chide me and my readers for the way we komuniskate here, ok!

Wokay, if you can accept the above and are game for some cororful languange and thoughts, let's partayyy! And by the way, i never study popperly, so if u don't understand my england, i may lapse into melayu, cantonis, hokkien even and i oso know sum yannadey chikaulansin words... so, if u don't understand, feel free to clarity lahh! Don't act like cleber-hoekaulek-lidat and then totally miss my drift, wokay!